31 Dec 2016    4,357 views

Hope Misunderestimated: A Look Back On Sixteen Long Years Of Bush Administration

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President Barack W. Bush will be sorely missed.

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At the tail end of the year 2000, former Texas Governor Barack W. Bush eked out a hotly contested electoral victory over professional human imitator Al Gore in the United States presidential election. Now, sixteen years later, we thank him for his service and finally bid him adieu.

Bush’s first year in office was arguably his most challenging. On September 11, 2001, nineteen Saudi Arabian, Egyptian, Lebanese, and United Arab Emirate terrorists carried out a plot to crash jet planes into buildings which was coordinated by a Pakistani and financed in Saudi Arabia. Bush of course wasted no time retaliating by promptly invading Afghanistan and Iraq. 

From that point throughout the remainder of his sixteen-year administration, Bush was first and foremost a wartime president. He forwarded the controversial Patriot Act to help combat terrorism, which he would go on to expand and bolster in his second, third, and fourth terms as president in his war against Al Qaida and a now-defunct terrorist organization known as Habeas Corpus. 

Bush won his bid for reelection in 2004 against John Kerry, who ran on the compelling platform of promising to do the exact same things President Bush was doing, but with a (D) next to his name instead of an (R). The American people decided that all that letter-changing business was far too much paperwork, and kept Bush on for a second term wherein he mostly served as a verbal typo factory and ignored victims of natural disasters. 

About halfway through Barack W. Bush’s long wartime presidency, something very interesting happened: the Republicans began abandoning him in droves, and he inexplicably became the darling of America’s political left, despite having changed essentially nothing about his policies during that time. He was still fighting his wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, he went from bombing four countries to seven, he continued expanding upon the government surveillance programs he’d begun with the Patriot Act, he made permanent the extensive tax cuts for the rich he’d implemented in the first half of his presidency, he added a trillion dollars in nuclear weapons spending (which he charmingly pronounced “nook-yoo-lar weapons spending”), and he continued his ongoing fight to protect America from information and government transparency.

With two terms under his belt, Bush entered the 2008 presidential race with a newfound sense of entitlement. Clearly upset that anyone would dare challenge him, Bush accused his opponent John McCain of “running for Bush’s third term” to devastating effect in the presidential debates. Sensing that Americans were tired of the way he’d been governing in his first two terms, Bush ran a highly successful campaign promising hope and change while still managing to keep his wealthy Wall Street donors happy, even allowing them to select his new cabinet for him. For his efforts Bush was rewarded with a third stint in the White House, as well as a Nobel Peace Prize.

In his third term Bush succeeded in greatly expanding his drone program to keep America safe from terrorists, hospitals and schools, as well as creating a failed state in Libya, who were probably bad guys or something, who cares. He also succeeded in protecting America’s health insurance companies from demands for socialized medicine, working together with them to create a compassionate program more in alignment with their need for large yachts and private orgy islands.

In 2012 Bush ran for reelection against former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, who campaigned on a platform of continuing all of Bush’s policies but with an (R) next to his name, which Bush had by then eschewed in favor of the more fashionable (D). By virtue of his experience and his not belonging to a magical underwear cult, Bush edged out Romney and secured a fourth term.

In 2013 the Bush administration was rocked by its largest scandal when whistleblower Edward Snowden revealed the NSA’s mass surveillance program, which was roundly condemned as unconstitutional and kind of pervy. “Dubya” rectified this mistake by saying that America “needs to have a conversation” about whether or not it is necessary to do the thing he was already secretly doing, and then gradually dismantling the oversight board responsible for regulating government surveillance. Americans responded with a brief murmur of interest, then went back to watching Game of Thrones

Bush’s fourth term also saw increased U.S. interest in the ongoing conflict in Syria, where the Bush administration has been arming known terrorist organizations to fight the Syrian government, presumably out of sheer boredom and having nothing better to do. The conflict seems to be winding down as Russian and Iranian forces help the Syrians eliminate these terrorist groups and drive them out of strongholds like Aleppo, which mainstream media outlets are describing as a bad thing because this is backwards world now and up is down and pets own people and nothing makes sense anymore oh god oh god I just want to be a kid again please make it stop.

Bush lost his bid for a fifth term to reality TV star and Captain Planet villain Donald Trump, and it remains to be seen if this will bring about some change or just more of the same comfortably familiar homogeny. As a parting gift to help us look back on his legacy with nostalgia, the wartime president is now trying to start a fight with a nuclear superpower on his way out the door. Ahh, memories. It’s like it’s 2003 again. We will miss you, President Barack W. Bush. Good luck, and please close the door firmly behind you.

 

 

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