11 Dec 2016    15,232 views

How About Instead Of Babbling About Russian Hackers, Politicians Just Stop Being Evil Scumbags?

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Establishment politicians are a vastly greater threat to national security than any hacker ever could be.

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You’d think the loud, repetitive rhetoric about Russian hackers giving stolen Democratic party documents to WikiLeaks (a charge WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange unequivocally denies) would have died down after the election, but it’s only gotten louder. Novelty fake news rag The Washington Post just ran a viral story about an anonymous source’s report that a “secret CIA assessment” found the leaks were the result of the Russian government deliberately trying to get Trump elected, and the Obama administration has ordered a “full review” of Russian-related hacking attempts to manipulate U.S. elections. And meanwhile all I can think is “Hey! Wait! Wait a minute! All the leaks did was expose what a bunch of lying, corrupt sleazebuckets you guys are!”

This is nuts. America just came dangerously close to electing a woman who was essentially promising to start shooting down Russian military planes over Syria, who was caught assuring Goldman Sachs executives that she’d lie to the public for their benefit, and instead of freaking out like a mother who just found out that her fiancee is a pedophile, everyone’s talking about how Russian hackers are a threat to our national security. Let me write that again in italics so I can be sure you’re reading it in the loud, exasperated voice I intend: America almost elected a woman who’d promised to lie to the public for Wall Street and start World War Three, and we’re talking about how Russian hackers are a threat to national security.

Obviously cyber security is a thing the American government needs to take care of; that’s why it has entire departments and divisions responsible for doing exactly that. Meanwhile what departments and divisions are protecting the American public from its politicians? We just went through an eight-year administration of a President whose cabinet was literally selected by a Citigroup executive, for God’s sake! Citibank got to determine what happens to the Wall Street crooks who caused the 2008 collapse and how the TPP will be drafted and implemented, and you want to tell me that’s not a matter of national security? That I should instead be worried about Russian hackers because the same people who lied to us about WMDs are accusing them of telling us the truth?? 

What planet is this, again? What bizarre Rick and Morty alternate reality have I portal gunned my way into where we’re more worried about some probably-fictional hackers who told us the truth than we are about the extremely powerful politicians controlling our world who’ve been telling us lies? How is this nonsense getting any public traction whatsoever?

I’d like to propose a different alternate reality if you’ll allow me, dear reader. Imagine a hypothetical universe where Russians really did hack into the communications of top-level political insiders, and found nothing incriminating? Imagine if Boris and Natasha hacked into the system, looked around, and found nothing? How cool would that be?

“Boris darling, is nothing here!”

“Yes, I actually kind of like them!”

“Darling! What will we tell Fearless Leader?”

There! Was that so damn hard? I just fixed your national security problem, America. Just make your politicians just stop acting like J.R.R. Tolkien villains so that if their campaigns get hacked it doesn’t impact your elections at all. Don’t know how to make them stop being evil? Well, that’s your national security problem right there! Boom. Solved. No “secret CIA assessment” necessary; Agent Johnstone just cracked the case wide open for you all. You’re welcome. I’d like Comey’s job, please.

Have you ever flipped through the Podesta emails? Not just the ones that made headlines, but the more mundane ones too? You should peruse them if you ever get the chance, because they paint a much more complete picture of who these establishment politicians are as people. Nowhere did I ever see an email in which Clinton campaign staff discussed ways of helping people, or doing something in the name of honesty, or because it was the right thing to do. As near as I can tell they’re completely amoral people who were only ever concerned with bringing up Hillary’s numbers, and these are the sort of people who are running American politics.

If you want national security, fire every politician who is willing to sell the American people down the river to prop up the Walmart economy and start wars to prop up the U.S. dollar instead of doing the right thing and getting us out of this neoliberal nightmare. Stop electing people who see government transparency as a terrifying threat that will cost them elections instead of something they should be giving the American people themselves voluntarily. Start demanding full transparency from anyone who wants to become a public servant, and if you find out they’re corrupt, run them out on a rail like you’re supposed to. It’s absolutely insane that a corruption factory in a pants suit was nearly able to become Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful military force on the planet, and was so beholden to the plutocrats that a narcissistic billionaire was actually the safer choice. 

That’s crazy. Let’s never let that happen again, please. Thank you in advance, love Special Agent Caitlin Johnstone, Director of Non-Psychotic Solutions.

 

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